Dear Ms. Brown,
We would like to thank you for being so candid about the matter of your attempted suicide. We enjoyed hearing about your multiple unsympathetic counselors, fruitless attempts to forget the number of sleeping pills constituting a fatal dose, and other skills and achievements.
We regret to inform you that your application for personhood has been denied. We receive many applications from fellow mourners, requesting the restoration of their selves Before depression. With so many experienced and qualified applicants, competition is extremely high. You are aware of the statistics of your prognosis, I assume?
We wish you the best with all of your future doomed endeavors. In your pursuit of those, we kindly ask that you stop crying in Target and train cars and other inconvenient places, so as not to disturb Real People.
We will be keeping your records on file to monitor if, in the future, you attempt to form relationships with people unaware of your condition. Please do not reach out to us with further questions.
Sincerely,
**
At the emergency psychiatrist’s office, they hand me a form asking
and other such unanswerable questions.
The instructions at the top read: Please fill in one circle per question. Make sure the circle is filled completely. Complete all fields carefully. Use a No. 2 pencil for the entirety of your answer sheet. Pens and mechanical pencils are not acceptable.
The psychiatrist assures me there are no right answers. It does not help me feel any less afraid of failing.
Check one of four boxes:
Not at all
Appointments with a new therapist always seem to go something like this:
Hello.
Hello.
How has your week been?
Oh just fine. You?
Good, thank you. So, was your childhood traumatic?
No, Doc, my parents didn’t hurt me when I was a kid. No more than every parent does, that is. I developed a taste for self-mutilation all on my own.
Several days
How much of the day do I have to spend “down, depressed or hopeless” for it to count? If I get lunch with a friend and feel normal for half an hour, does that take me down to “several days” instead of “more than half?”
More than half the days
What I mean is when I was six my parents found me hunched over under a table eating dog food, cheek smeared with crumbs, eyes darting. They’d been looking for almost an hour. I still can’t eat in front of other people.
Nearly every day
**
To whom it may concern,
This note serves to verify that [patient’s name] Ms. Brown was admitted for evaluation at our office on [insert date] 11/09/2021. We were alerted of her condition by a concerned passerby who, watching her break down on a bus stop, was forced to relinquish their entire pack of Kleenex. The initial tissue offered did not suffice.
The patient appears to be suffering from MRDD (Major Recurrent Depressive Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and a severe case of CUEPSSC (Carrying an Unnamed but Ever-Present Shame since Childhood).
The patient is advised to take a leave of medical absence from [start date] to [end date] to allow for proper rest and recovery. She may thus be unable to participate in activities including but not limited to:
work,
school,
friendship,
eating healthy,
eating at all,
responding to texts,
leaving her apartment,
leaving her bed,
polite human interaction,
going to bed before 4 A.M.,
taking deep breaths without sharp pain in her ribcage,
employing the emotional regulation techniques she’s been so painstakingly taught,
swallowing the pills her parents have scraped and saved to pay for,
or any other things she used to enjoy.
We understand that, while acquaintances and strangers have long been aware of her many ailments, this may come as a shock to her friends, family, and employer(s). If you require further verification of the patient’s inability to perform her duties, please contact my office, or simply open your fucking eyes.
Sincerely,
[Name, Degree]
[Medical License #]
[Hospital Name]
